By Lila

I believe myself to be a seasoned Christian who, while far from flawless, is always being refined through God’s grace and mercy. At the age of eight, I heard the Lord’s voice for the first time and was baptized at the age of twelve.

Extenuating circumstances and unfavorable experiences caused me to deviate from my walk with Christ. I was led to start a career in the entertainment industry, which exposed me to violence, drugs, and sexual immorality. I felt that God was always at my side, even though I did not think of myself as being close to him at the time.

I did not take the traditional career path. The music’s inherent intensity took me in a different direction, which ultimately resulted in an overly secular lifestyle. Approximately four years ago, after working in the entertainment industry for more than 20 years, I began to feel an indescribable level of discomfort about my ambitions, lifestyle, and environment. I felt so convicted that I returned to church, the place where I always found peace.

Even though I continued working in the music industry, my conviction grew stronger every day. I desired to have a family, and I therefore appealed to God by saying,

“Okay God, I’m ready for my husband! I know I haven’t been the best in choosing based on my past experiences. So, I’m going to leave this all in your hands.”

After all, if I can’t trust God, then who am I to trust? I prayed, fasted and even requested five signs to be sure. I boldly made my request known, and now I wait. Suddenly a friend from high school popped up and wanted to hang out. I’ve known him from the age of sixteen, so I was comfortable with it. At this point he was still just a friend to me.

But, let me tell you! One by one, I began receiving the signs I prayed to God for. I was in awe of how quickly and intentionally God was moving, working and manifesting. After a year of dating and conquering some challenges like the distance between us, my now-husband proposed and we were married shortly after. I was both excited and scared that in just a few months I would be uprooting to begin a new life with my husband.

Things started out slowly as I adapted to the new customs and figuring out what life as a new bride would entail. During my fourth month of marriage, I unexpectedly got pregnant. My husband and I were both thrilled and excited. I am a big believer in the importance of a mother’s role in a child’s life, and because of the influence my mother has had on my life, I recognized that this was not something to take lightly. In addition to exercising and eating healthier, I began to do everything in my power to offer the ideal environment for my child.

As I lay in bed one night, I reflected on my petition for a husband and how God had suddenly blessed me twice as much. When the time came for my first ultrasound, I was overjoyed because I would be able to see and hear my child and get that small picture to prove that she/he existed. I had already formed a strong relationship with this baby. I was feeling cheerful.

My spouse and I traveled to the doctor’s office; we arrived early, entered the room, and the technician instructed me on how to prepare. Now it was time for the ultrasound; she placed the gel to my tummy and probed without saying anything. She inquired how far along I was, and when I told her, she performed the same thing again and remained silent for a bit. The tech eventually responded.

“She is not seeing the baby,”

I mentally relived the entire situation. I had come to this very institution to have a blood test that confirmed my pregnancy, so where is my child? I secretly questioned whether I should put my faith in action in this situation and hope that the baby would show up. No such luck, I was told to visit the emergency room because there was nothing there.

My spouse and I went to emergency room to have additional tests conducted. I was told I had to terminate the pregnancy since it was ectopic. After giving me an injection, they instructed me to return for a follow-up in a few days. This was difficult, but I was trying to digest it; I wasn’t furious or blaming God; I was just heartbroken.

I saw the doctor for a follow-up, and you know what? It surprised me that this baby grew and was still battling for its life in my tube. I became stubborn because, despite the doctor’s warnings about the danger to my life, I would let my child battle for its life.

This doctor sitting in front of me suggested surgery who looked to be seven months pregnant, what a slap in my face. Surgery, what surgery. I then looked down and saw that my husband had been holding my hand the entire time. We had recently tied the knot, and I took his words at their value ‘For better or worst’. I thought about how carefree it was being with this man wife’s life, just letting go. Then I thought of my mother and others who would get upset because I was so obstinate.

So, even though I wasn’t happy, I made the decision to have the surgery. I requested my husband to go home to grab me a change of clothes and other necessities, and he did despite his reservations. I took this time to record videos while he was away, expressing my love to him and others along with instructions on what would happen if the surgery failed. The physicians arrived to take me in.

After praying and counting backwards the surgery began, they remove a part of me. I regained consciousness. Shouldn’t I be grateful that I’m still here? I might not have been here if I had waited five more minutes, I later learned (The Testimony). It was time to recover, after being numb for approximately a month, I became envious of all these expectant mothers and their unborn children. I didn’t know I should be grateful for my life until four months later. I didn’t notice what I had gained because I was too preoccupied with what I had lost.

My perspective shifted, and I began to pray and ask God for assistance. My spouse was always kind, gentle, and comforting, and he assisted me in managing all of my emotions. I discovered one day that I no longer cried when I saw babies and expectant mothers. In fact, I was pleased for them. I even began to offer up prayers for them. As I began to express gratitude, I discovered that I had found an unimaginable serenity.

After a week of fasting, the Lord woke me up one morning and told me Isaiah 54 (CSB). I was half asleep, so I fell back asleep, and he repeated the verse. I got up and looked, and it said “Rejoice, Oh Childless one the one who did not give birth”.  God, I thought, is this for me and my current circumstances? Does this imply that I will have another child? I was reassured.

I was so preoccupied with what I had lost after losing my child that I failed to see what God had saved me from. His hand was always on me, my perspective was refreshed and I began to view the blessings in a different way. Though it has been months since the Lord gave me Isaiah 54, I am confident that my promise will come because I know that my God is not a deceitful God. I cannot deny that the Lord rescued my life, despite my stubbornness, my first testimony is God saved my life. In addition, I am awaiting the promise of the new testimony that my babies are on the way, in Jesus’ name.

Source: Testimony Share